by Gary SmalleyWhy am I obsessed with books about marriage?
Two big reasons marriages fail:
1) Entering marriage with "storyland" expectations and limited training.
2) Lack of understanding about the general differences between men and women.
General mental/emotional differences between men and women:
1) Women tend to be more personal than men. Women seem to be more interested in people and feelings, while men are more preoccupied with subjects and things that can be discussed via logic and reasoning.
2) Women become an intimate part of the people they know and the things that surround them; they enter into a kind of oneness with their environment. Though a man relates to people and situations, he usually doesn't allow his identity to become entwined with them. He somehow remains apart. That's why a woman, viewing her house as an extension of herself, can be hurt when it's criticized by others. We might explain this difference be comparing a man to a paintbrush and a woman to the paint. Though the brush touches the entire canvas, it finally comes to rest of the pallet. The paint, on the other hand, enters into a oneness with the canvas and can only be separated from it at great cost.
3) Because of a woman's emotional identity with the people and places around her, she needs more time to adjust to change than a man. He can logically deduce the benefits of a change and get psyched up for it in a matter of minutes. Not so with a woman. Since she focuses on immediate consequences of a change, she needs time to overcome the initial adjustment before warming up to the advantages of it.
Wives...husbands generally do not know what you need. Our thought processes are different; we live in a different world. So we ask you to help us learn by telling us your needs in a gentle, loving way. Let us know when we aren't meeting your needs — but not in a critical way that could cause us to lose interest. (page 21)
Not only in marriage, but in so many areas of life, our feelings follow our thoughts and actions. (page 31)
...two important factors may explain why a man loses a degree of affection and enthusiasm for his wife after marriage.
1) A man will pursue and charm a woman with words, or flowers or whatever he needs to do to win her. But after the wedding, he feels he has conquered her. She is his, so he doesn't have to maintain the same level of enthusiasm and creativity as he did before they married. She is his emotionally and legally. The husband may say to himself, "I have my wife. Now, I need to conquer my business or I need to become a better hunter or we need to begin a family." Each frontier is viewed as a new conquest, a new experience.
2) Almost anything is sweet to a starving man, but when he's full, even honey nauseates him. In a very real sense, a man is filled up when he marries because his wife is now a part of him. He has experienced knowing her in every way — spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. He may feel there is nothing left to know about her. He is satisfied and therefore, has a natural tendency to look for other potential "frontiers" almost immediately following marriage.
End every day with a clean slate — no offenses between the two of you.
Three important factors in becoming a close-knit family:
1) Shared activities
2) Recognize everybody's need to belong.
3) Hard times can draw a family close together.
(I feel I need the same basic treatment Norma does.)
In summary, if a man truly wants his wife to improve and their marriage to be strengthened, he should be the example of what he wants to see in her before saying anything to her.
|Title||If Only He Knew|
|eBook format||ebook, (torrent)|
|File size||6.4 Mb|
|Book rating||4.58 (112 votes)